I have my eye on some ray ban pieces. I've always wanted one but they looked kinda weird on me when I was younger. Now that I'm older, maybe it'll look better.
My cousin and I each got our very first pair of non-cheapo sunnies (with prescription too) just the week before while I was on holiday.
This pair I bought is neither elaborate nor showy. It's a basic black frame with dark lenses (which somehow turns red in the sunlight and annoys me cause people can now see my eyes!!!). I figured my collection to-be would need the "groundwork" of something classy/classic first.
We agreed that sunglasses made us feel very "protected" and the "upgrade" made us wonder how did we survive sunny-less for the past 21 years, especially since we live in countries that are perpetually assaulted by the sun 365 days a year. We wore them around the house the day we picked them up from the optometrist. Dorky and partly crazy but we were just excited.
Today I turn 21. As much as I try to downplay or deny the significance of this day, I know myself well enough to know that I'm bullshitting myself. Everyday of my life (since I was able to), I've contemplated the purpose of my existence, but every time I fail to concoct an adequate explanation to satisfy myself.
21 years, I've nothing much to show for. I'm just another human being living a life, unsure of what I've accomplished or who I've affected. Youth is creeping by & I know it's being wasted. But sometimes circumstances do not allow us to change even if we yearn for it.
Everyday I feel like I could do better, make wiser choices. But then I realized if everything was right, there'll be no left. No alternative view, no other option. Anyway, I feel old. Well I've always felt older than I normally should but thing is, now I've got the age to show for it.
Happy birthday to me.
20 Dec 2009- 1 plus am.
365x21 days of living, Good god I'm old!!
My extended family reigned in my 21st with me. I didn't tell them because I didn't think it was important. But apparantly my dad called and told my aunt about my birthday. So they cooked a simple, homely meal for me... nothing extravagant, some fried chicken, potatoes and rice. Very simple and homely (ok I said that already), just the way I like it.
It was perfect. I couldn't have asked for more. They also got me a cake which my cousin complained as too salty (wtf). I haven't seen them in ages so rekindling with my aunt, uncle and two cousins was more satisfying than some party with 20 over half-friends could ever bring cause these were people who actually mattered.
I Love spending time with them. There are alot of pleasant memories with them in that house. Being with them brings me back to a simpler time, the days of pokemon, staples, ateens, michelle branch, ants, water wastage.... Sleeping in that room time travels me back to when we were more naive and more open.
I sound like a simpleton. But I suppose I'm wiser in the sense that I know what's important in life. Then again, what's important is relative. I just believe true contentment cannot be bought. Happiness maybe, but not joy. I've experimented this myself and it is true.
Reaching back into the past can be quite terrifying. People change and sometimes they do not meet your expectations of how you assume them to be.
You have a yardstick for them. But if they can't reach it, that can lead to disappointment. It may be benign or severe. But the letdown's still there.
But anyway, that's not important for now. Fleeing the country in approximately 15 hours time but I HAVEN'T PACKED!
I've decided to spend my 21st birthday overseas, away from the usual hustle and bustle, and celebrate it alone (or with my relatives if they miraculously remember. Although I doubt it).
Oh how fast vacation time flies! Soon it'll be the 7th of Jan 2010 and I'm back to slogging. Alright, gonna pack now. Bye and be back in 5 days. :D
Alright get this. I just opened an email from facebook again telling me to now send in a government issued photo ID for verification. HA HA HA! I kid you not.
Oh forget it.. I'll just create a new one.
Adding people will be a bitch though cause I now have to make the first move. Usually I'd wait for them to add me but if I do so, I'll start with no contacts and end with no contacts.
Also diary, my 21st birthday is coming up. In 5 days to be exact. To my right and left I see people (friends, acquaintances) throwing huge parties to celebrate their landing into adulthood. Is having a party a rite of passage? I never had a sweet 16/17 and I'm definitely not starting to care now.
It's just that I feel quite odd I'm never doing things a normal teen or young adult would usually do.
-I didn't drastically dye my hair after my O levels (although I did want to (and still do) to get a tattoo). -I never felt the need to drink excessively just because Im allowed to. -I never ever want to go clubbing (although pubbing is fine) because I see it as a pure waste of time. -I never bought skinny jeans or followed ridiculous fashion trends. -As mentioned above, I never had a huge party. Although when I was younger, I did have 2 party celebrations. One at mcdonalds and the other at planet hollywood.
Is it weird? I find it weird myself although I understand my (non)actions. I just never felt the need to follow what others were doing. If it didn't make sense to me, I avoid it. I suppose this is a good thing right? Understanding my own rationale and sticking to it? I never believed in proving anything to anyone but myself. I reckon this can be a pro and a con. Pro, as mentioned earlier. Con because it means I'm very obstinate. And I am.
Anyway, too much self reflection going on. Shall stop now
Today I awoke to a frightening piece of news telling me my facebook account has been temporarily suspended as there were people trying to hack into it.
Now usually, I wouldn't give two hoots about facebook. Account disabled? Big deal! I'll make another one.
But today was different. It was different because just the night before, I was co-creator of my primary school 'Group' & we're waiting for people to join so we could organize a 9 year reunion. But alas! Something HAS to happen and this was it. (Sometimes I think the fates hate me. With a vengeance.)
And I hate to say this diary, but I never forsee the day I'd say that facebook is not totally useless and self-aggrandizing. It has its uses. Birthday reminders, reconnecting of relationships.... I was so freaked about the account suspension because it was the only line of contact I had with my childhood classmates. I don't even have their email addresses, let alone their numbers.
It's like we live in 2 worlds. Virtual and the real one. But what is real now? You know what the sad part is? Sometimes the virtual world is more real than the actual one. Don't you think it's scary that sometimes we leave the web feeling more fulfilled and happy than reality leaves us? Technology should be the supplement, not the origin of our contentment.
People are so addicted to technology it has become more of a need, than a want. Nobody would admit it but they are. Technology and these sites have made us so reliant on them, the second we are removed from it or it gets taken away from us, it's like we never existed. Wiped off the face of the virtual earth, we are helpless.
So right now, I am trying hard not to succumb to the apparent ease tech promises. I try to call, or at least text on birthdays. And I still try to get people's numbers. Because there's a tiny clause at the bottom of the page, it's called the loss of one's ability to interact interpersonally. Without the shield of anonymity, we are nothing.
Ah diary, I mentioned sometime back I didn't want to go back to tutoring because it was so rocky. You can't help feeling like you're gonna get dumped/ dropped like a hot potato at any moment.
But as fate would have it, I was recommended to another parent so I'm now giving this 5 year old english tuition. Anything to earn a little extra keep eh? We'll see how it goes.
I told her I'll be looking for a job soon and insisted that I will pay for my own fees and she's not to do so even though she wants to.
It'll be a good learning experience for me. Besides, I'm able bodied and almost 21 so there's no reason why I shouldn't be doing so.
So the question is where to work... I told her waitressing or anything that requires donning a (work) uniform is degrading. I don't know where I got this elitist complexion from but I'm a snob. I am. However, I'm strapped for cash so I'll basically do anything now that doesn't involve washing and soap.
Well, hopefully the days will look up.
PS: I can hear the cats yowling even though I'm on the 11th story. God they're loud..... I know they're in heat but come on.......
Today I went to pay my second semester's fees and my passbook is officially empty. ZILCH.
My mum cultivated the savings attitude in me when I was a kid, so I never had a empty piggy bank.
So this is a first. In a year, I spent almost 11k in tuition fees. God it's fucking heart breaking seeing the money go.
Oh well, maybe now I'll be motivated to get a job? But I need flexibility. I don't wanna go back to tutoring because it's so unstable. Guess I'll find another way out then.
By the way, my exams are tomorrow. Here's to hoping I don't crash and burn.
you know journal, i've always said a life without a purpose doesn't make it a less lived one. im beginning to question my thinking.
all that i feel right now is that my life's a complete and utter failure. Im a big fucking loser with nothing to show for. A huge disgrace (to myself no less) and an abomination.
